I don't enjoy things anymore
A couple of days or weeks ago (who knows in quarantine), I read this post titled I feel like I have No Real Interests; My Only Interest Is Making Money. At the time my reaction was "okay, I can see myself sliding into this mindset, but I'm aware of it now and I'll avoid it." Now...well, I feel like I have no real interests, including making money.
I like coding, at least, I think I like coding? But I don't like actively learning about coding. The act of coding itself is somewhat therapeutic, but I never can stick to a project long enough to finish it, they all enter the 'mid-development' phase and I slice them off. I hate doing what other people have done before, so I spend most of my time making games as a creative outlet, I never finish them, but maybe that's okay? Either way...I don't really feel like writing a game right now.
I can play video games, but nowadays they don't really bring my much joy. It feels like I'm using them to temporarily stop myself from thinking about this yawning pit that is my life. In fact, I think I always used video games this way, but nowadays I'm aware that's how I use them and they don't block out the pit enough.
I have a passing interest in writing...but I always am very self-conscious of what I write, and, hearkening back to the linked article, there's no money/future in writing! Other passing interests include making presentations (YouTube), making videos, reading about subjects in the humanities, reading fantasy... And yet, I can't really get into any of them. My presentations are somewhat subpar because I don't think up much of significant worth; I have no desire to make videos; I can dwell on the humanities for a bit but that's it; and I consider myself a fantasy buff, which means I'm an elitist asshole that can't enjoy stories but positively has to analyze everything.
Someone wrote a comment to the 'I feel like I have no Real Interests' article saying:
It makes interests fleeting, knowledge shallow and enthusiasm feigned.
and then later...
You, being an intelligent human being, can legitimately see how much more meaningful (and profitable) life would be if you could pick a cause, any cause, and stick with it.
See, the thing is, I don't want a profit. I just want to enjoy something again. Or at least finish a project in something I can tolerate...